Life can be a little funny at times. You never know what or whom will change your path or how you see and understand the world. As you know, I have been seeking kindness for some time now and I have found it. Or at least the beginning of kindness.
I used to think that if I could make everyone around me be kind, I would have a kind household and then I could be kind, because everyone was being kind together. That sounds a bit crazy, if you ask me! The truth is, I have been lacking kindness in my life because I have been looking out instead of in. What exactly does that mean? Well for me, it means I was seeking kindness out in the world. I was telling myself that I was being kind, and sometimes I was, but most of the recent past had me feeling sad and sorry for myself. In fact, I recently had two very lovely friends tell me that I am indeed melancholy. I thanked them both for their candor and began to really think about what I put out to the world. Do I really want to be the sad girl? How has being the sad girl served me? How is being the sad girl currently serving me and others in my life? No wonder my life lacks kindness. How could I find, feel, create and exude kindness when I was sad?
The reason for my melancholy, you may wonder, is a very long story which, began when I was little. I will try to provide the short list. I was sexually abused at a very young age, I was raised in a very tumultuous, chaotic and alcoholic household, I attracted and married a man who used to live a very chaotic and fast life who ended up almost killing himself in an accident that led to a traumatic brain injury and resulting in me becoming his caregiver while raising our young children. As you can see, I have had plenty of reasons to be sad. On the other hand, I also have so many reasons to celebrate. I am healthy, have two beautiful children, I received an amazing education from my family and learned many things through my struggles and all of those tragedies have made me the beautiful person that I am. However, I want to let the sad story go and say goodbye to it. I no longer want to be the sad, melancholy girl. I want to be the vibrant, beautiful and kind woman I am and can be.
Over the last three weeks I have been slowly uncovering what kindness is for me. It all began on vacation. I met this wonderful woman who seemed to exude a love for life and a true kindness that shone from within. This woman was kind in her words, in her actions and interactions, in the way she looked at people and even in her touch. I had many interactions with her and as the week proceeded, I was left with a feeling of aw. What was it about this person that made them so kind? How does that person exude such kindness, what is her secret? Whatever it was, I wanted it!
After meeting this person, it awoke something in me that I had long ago left to die in darkness. This feeling that awoke in me is best described as a fire. There was finally some light that was shining in my dark places. This person saw through my darkness and somehow saw my inner beauty, my authentic self. It was a fleeting moment, but I felt it and I wanted more. More love, more kindness, more tenderness, more understanding and more truth.
I realized after much journal writing, crying and processing of my many feelings, that the way to have kindness truly come from me was to be kind to myself. I used to think being kind to myself, was getting a massage or going to a yoga class or creating “me” time. But what I found out over the last few weeks, is that kindness must literally come from within. I must be kind to myself. What does that mean to me now? It means that I listen to me, my authentic self, my little girl, my soul, my intuition, whatever you want to call it. Kindness means that I listen to me first with love, understanding and truth. Essentially if I listen to my truth I can then lead a life of kindness because I will be honoring myself and then be able to honor others with true kindness.
Sometimes it takes another person seeing us and touching our heart in order for us to see our true selves and for me, to feel kindness.
Thank you for reading and sharing in my journey to find kindness.