What is your story? Are you the author of your own story? Or have you adopted someone else’s version of your story? I believe that we all have an inner story that is our true story. So what happened? Why am I not living what I think is my true story and how do I know this? I know this, because I feel conflicted and sick to my stomach most of the time. There have been other signs as well, such as always feeling tired and not entirely engaged. So what gives?
As I have been digging deep to uncover why kindness is a challenge for me, I have discovered why I’m not living my true story and how this affects kindness in my life. I believe it has much to do with my family of origin. I was brought up in a Catholic household and a family that was shrouded in guilt and shame. I know my parents, grandparents, teachers and religious leaders believed they were doing their best and they were. However, through their teachings, I learned to live in fear of God, hell and sinning. I truly believed I was going to hell for the smallest little lie, not to mention any other things I deemed wrong or bad. For me this was very confusing. As a young girl I soon came to believe that I was wrong, bad and selfish if I listened to my own thoughts, feelings, desires and intuition. In order to survive and get a little of what I needed, I realized that I had to lie. How twisted and confusing this was for me and has been my entire life. I was always looking to mom, dad, grandma and others to see if I was being a good girl, because if I was a bad girl, I truly thought I was going to hell. Ironically, living this way, I did create my own hell.
We all enter this world perfect versions of ourselves, but then as we grow, inevitably our caregivers, society, schools and our churches place expectations on us that conflict with the messages we receive from within. These expectations unfortunately take us away from our true essence and ultimately our true story. Or at least that has been my experience. So ask yourself, are you living your true story or are you living a story that is not yours, that is someones else’s expectations of you? I am 39 and I have never lived my true story. I’m only just beginning to learn my story and who I am.
This is who I am not, but used to believe I was:
Wrong, Liar, Ugly (inside and out), Sad, Bad, Weak and Selfish. Wow, so it was in fact Hell!
This is my new story, my true story:
I am a Strong, Centered, Loving, Intelligent, Beautiful (inside and out), and Kind woman and mother who is Happy, Patient, Wise, Confident, Playful, Loving and Kind.
Now that is a beautiful story that is mine and that ultimately will lead me to a life of Kindness!